Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Michael Bay diarrhea
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
