Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
