You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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