the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone signed my nipple.
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