saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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