I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
