I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We don't watch enough power rangers
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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