I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
