I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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