oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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