This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize