Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
