Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
