What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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