she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
