and you said cock pushups were impossible
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize