Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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