Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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