Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
