All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
