Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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