i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
