There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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