Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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