My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
