I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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