no, he came in my armpit
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
