Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
