she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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