He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
