Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
