Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
