I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Your penis caused this!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
