Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
