It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize