in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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