I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
