I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
