I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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