Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
