I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
