I bet he comes in French.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
