Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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