They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
