theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
