My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
