I should be sponsored by Trojan
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
