I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
