Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
