So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
