I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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