Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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