I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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