Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
