my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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