Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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