did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
