The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
