Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
