Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
